Love, No Season Knows nor Clime

He was a competent and reputable professional man of forty who considered himself well past and above the idiocy of love. Therefore, he found it very strange that a rational man like him was being irresistibly pulled towards this woman he had met at the education expo a few weeks ago. He could not get her out of his mind for many days afterwards. How he had wished he could find out more about her! Fate granted him his wish, even allowing him to talk to her at length. She was a faculty member and the moderator of the conference he was speaking at a university. Soon after he came back, he found himself wishing that he shared the same workplace as her.

Her memory kept intruding on him often, in class, amongst friends, during his solitude, when chewing down on a lump of food… In those moments, tears welled up in his eyes; his heart went aflutter, threatening to break his rib cage and fly towards her. His emotional agony and mental unrest became unbearable. His heart worded a silent wish to be near her, but he kept forcing her out of his mind.

A few months later, when the dean welcomed a new faculty member to the department a lightning bolt struck him. You! The bewitching soul I am desperately trying to escape! The goddess divine I am humbly bowing towards! He wanted to shout this, but somehow his introduction flowed from his lips. He behaved as he would with a new colleague irrespective of his heart jumping to his throat and chest aflame with an unseen fire. She was telling the dean about her research. He found himself reverently listening to her, wanting her to never cease talking for fear that the universe would stop if she did.

The dean asked him for his critical opinion of the newcomer’s research project. His heart was bent in prostration before this majestic lady. How dare the dean invoke the rude interruption of reason! He made a few polite, academic comments. When the meeting was adjourned, the dean, also his former supervisor who was very friendly with him, said, “This is the first time you’ve not objected to or criticized or suggested any change or given your opinion on a research. Highly uncharacteristic of you!”

“Sir, have you ever found that any of the changes or objections or criticisms or opinions I have made so far were misplaced?”

“No, indeed, I have always found you speak with an intellectual poignancy and integrity few possess. And that is why, I believe that you might’ve finally met your intellectual match.”

“I consider my colleagues and my students as my equals.”

“Ali, you are being humble.”

On his way home that day, his heart was thumping with exultation and anxiety. He kept driving aimlessly here and there. There was so much he did not want to face. Intellectual integrity, as his professor had said, demanded that he speak the truth to himself also. Was it not true that his wishes with regard to that girl had come true? Was everything a coincidence? Is there really a God beyond coincidence? How can I explain this emotional stirring? He shook away these thoughts and engaged himself in routine matters.

It was years ago when faith had deserted him gradually and surely after his family had been murdered one by one because they were part of a minority community. The hurt and the pain had been so utterly unimaginably unbearable that he plucked his heart out of his chest and threw it in the deepest and darkest pits of cold and indifferent rationality to which no light or laughter could reach. He had been driving aimlessly for years now.

A few more months passed in this agonized state of mind. He found himself defeated in his silently growing passion for that girl. Familiarity with her had only fanned the fire within to an inferno. He was less himself and more at one with her. The one- sided nature of love intensified the pain he felt. All he desired now was peace of mind. I should talk to her. But before that I need to untangle the mystery within. He finally became determined to address the reality avoided for so long.

One night, he laid open his heart inside his journal:

“I have tried to justify everything physically and objectively without God. Yet, today, all my reasoning has failed me. If I cannot explain this longing and selfless devotion which makes me forget my professional principles, neglect my social standing and ignore my personal commitments, what must the love of God be like? If this single emotion cannot be explained or understood by me and I am forced to accept it as love, then reason speaks that I cannot explain or understand God rationally. I can explain the physical world, but God… I cannot deny Him any longer. It is the heart which testifies to His greatness and oneness. Reason and emotion all point only to Him. In my love for Shama, I have rediscovered faith. I now understand what it means to accept Him and submit to His Will. Therefore, I accept that there is no god but God.”

The affirmation poured from his heart and nerve and sinew, completely overwhelming him. Born of neither culture nor inheritance, the testimony emerged from the combined appeal of his heart and mind. He felt as if peace was overflowing him with its softness, fragrance and lightness.

In the coming weeks, he gathered courage for letting love enrich his life. This time, he consciously worded a prayer: Grant me the privilege and honour of calling her mine and sharing all that I am and all that I have with her and only her. Whether Thou will it or not, I shall be forever grateful to You and only You.**
      Shama was considering the two proposals. One was a well- educated, well- bred young man who was just starting his career. The second was someone currently working in the same department as her, well- settled, but divorced and middle aged. Should it be Shama-e- Ali or Shama …? After pondering for long, she decided to settle the matter by prayer.