How Unresolved Wounds Hinder Your Parenting

Your childhood crisis could trouble you connecting with your children. The lack of emotional connection you experienced as a child could possibly act as a barrier to give your child the emotional stability that you lack; unknowingly you are transferring that emotional neglect to your children. If you have experienced a lack of warmth from your father, there’s a possibility that you might love your children very much but experience difficulty or feel uncomfortable showing and expressing emotions to your children. You might not do it intentionally but you would be reluctant to put across your true emotions to your children. If as a child you experienced emotional abandonment or absence from your mother you might have difficulty trusting anyone even your children, you might have high expectations from your children, you might count on them to feel worthy of love and to be taken care of, despite of the fact that how little you have been emotionally available for your children.

If you were praised by your parents only on your achievements, only when you did something exceptional and on the other hand on your failures you went through their non-attendance, you might be heavily dependent on your children, spouse and possibly on almost every relation you create either its occupational, social, or educational you might strive to please everyone for the approval. Your approval of self even would be based on the perception of others about you. You would want your relations to praise you and you might look for constant approval, you might go out of ways to please them for mere approval of others keeping your personal choices, needs and wishes aside, because of the fear of being abandoned emotionally and displeasing people connected to you. It could be the other way as well that you would want your children to constantly please you. You might be absent from their likes and dislikes, their personal choices, preferences or fondness. You might be ignorant towards their emotional struggles and want your children to be present for you the way you want them. You might want to keep them dependent on you, you would want to hold their reins to give you the sensation of being valuable that you lacked as a child and were given to you infrequently. You might not approve of your children’s decisions, or choices they make for themselves in things as little as the company of people they choose to be with/friends. You might be manipulative by playing the parent card but deep down it is the satisfaction you get from the dependency of your children on you.

If you went through guilt shaming in your childhood, there’s a possibility you might follow the same pattern, the pattern your parents did by guilt shaming you to control you. If guilt shaming is not resolved you might struggle with self-worth, recognizing your self-worth, low self-esteem, constant reassurance and with increasing time, age you might notice occurrence of increasing anger issues. You might not know how to control your anger outbursts or episodes of anger; you might not even know the reason behind those outbursts which would eventually lead to frustration and agitation when you won’t be able to reason your behaviors or actions. You might think so low of yourself that even the mistreatments would feel like you deserve them.

You need to recognize that the deficits in you are not you but the trauma caused by lack of attention and warmth in your childhood by your parents/caretakers. You are not alone in this but you need to recognize where you are lacking. Anger, unresponsiveness, anxiety, emotional outbursts, depression, panic attacks, these behaviors you exhibit are not you but a depiction of the hurt caused in childhood. It’s never too late to take a step towards healing all you need to do is  

1. Acknowledge your wound for what it is.

2. Reclaim control.

3. Seek support and don't isolate yourself.

4. Take care of your physical, emotional and psychological health.

5. Learn the true meaning of acceptance.

6. Learn to let go.

7. Replace bad habits with good ones.

8. Mediate

9. Be patient with yourself.

10. Sit with your pain and try to resolve the unresolved

Do not transfer your unresolved conflicts and wounds to your children, for your children are neither responsible for causing those conflicts nor are responsible for your healing. Take the responsibility and heal yourself, don’t let yourself sink in your childhood abandonment, accept what’s done is done. If your parents were absent for you, what are you doing for yourself by carrying out the pattern of emotional abuse and lack of connection with your children? What are you doing for your children? Do not become a bridge to continue the cycle of unrecognized generational/intergenerational trauma. Heal.