How Does Your Childhood Affect Your Love Life?

Have you ever been called clingy? Or may have been told that you are too unemotional and distant? And if you’re single, have you wondered why you are avoiding relationships even though a part of you wants them? Or why no matter how hard you try, it might be because of your attachment style. Some experts named John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth discovered the attachment theory, which explains that when we were helpless babies and needed our parents to provide for us, we developed attachment styles that influenced how we behave as a children and this attachment style becomes the foundation that we instinctively bring into our  adult relationships there are some statements which explains your attachment style or you can check your attachment style with the help of these statements.

1-  "I feel comfortable going to my partner when something is wrong, so that we can work together and solve any problems."

2-  "I want to be closer to my partner but I often worry that they don't really love me or want to stay with me"

3-  ‘I am uncomfortable when someone gets too close to me, it's hard to fully trust someone and I rather depend on myself."

4-  "It's confusing, I want to get closer to my partner and want their attention, but when we get close,I get scared and wonder if I can really trust them."

Now which one applies to you the most?

If you are familiar with the number 1 statement then it means you have a great advantage. This is the secure style. People with this style usually had parents that were there for them as kids and tended to their needs. Secure style people tend to have honest, open and  equal relationships where both can go together at a healthy pace. This doesn’t mean their relationships are perfect. It just means they know how to move past obstacles with great care and self-awareness. If this is not you, don’t worry. At least half the world doesn’t have this style, and the good news is we can all change our attachment styles.

And if you are related with statement number 2, you have the anxious attachment style. People with this style can have a fantasy belief of what love will do for them. They can over analyze the situations and can mistake turbulent relationships for passion. They can struggle with low self-esteem and end up with people they want to save or  who they think can save them. Not because they are crazy, but because as kids their primary caregivers were inconsistent. Some days they got a lot of love and attention and  other days they were neglected. This unpredictability causes separation anxiety, which makes them feel the need  to be very close.

No. 3 is the dismissive, avoidant style. People with this attachment style most likely had caregivers who were emotionally unavailable or were dismissive of  their needs. So as kids they learnt how to suppress their emotions. And as adults they end up being very independent in order to protect themselves from getting hurt or even abandoned which is also why they avoid having deep connections.

And the last and 4th style is the fearful avoidant style. Just like the anxious style, this is also formed because of inconsistencies from their caregivers at a young age. Sometimes their caregivers were helpful, and other times they could be very hurtful and scary. People with this style show a confusing mix of the anxious and avoidant styles. They face a lot of inner conflict  between wanting intimacy and resisting it. And that’s why they can end  up having many highs and many lows in their relationships.

But all of these insecure attachment styles can be worked on.

First pay attention to how you react and respond in relationships. Second, speak to a therapist, to your journal or even to your own partner, to work through any past trauma. Talking through things instead of avoiding them will help you  get into a place of understanding instead of judgment. And with this kind of self-awareness and the right support, you can go on to have secure and healthy relationships with those who deserve you. You don’t need to be a prisoner of your past.