Lost in Limbo: The Ghosting Threat to Social Relationships

“Hey dude, how come you never texted back? Is everything okay?”.

“Kia karon yaar? Things are somehow getting to the next level and I just can’t handle it. Better to simply stop answering his calls. He’ll take the hint”. 

“We met during an office meeting and instantly hit it off. But I don’t know why she isn’t responding to me anymore. She even ignores me at the workplace. I don’t understand what I did wrong”.

Ghosting. The new normal of social interactions. A modern-day disappearing act like the French mustached magician at your childhood birthday parties, who left his cell phone behind. To put it simply, to ghost is to cut off all communication with someone, and without an explanation. Instead, like a ghost, they just vanish. To add salt to the mirch masala, all attempts by the other party to reach out and communicate are ignored. The phenomenon is common on social media and dating sites, but with the isolation brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic – forcing more people together online – it is prevalent now more than ever.

Note: While ghosting is a concept typically associated with romantic relationships, it has also now extended to describe disappearances by family members, in friendships, and in the workplace.

For a Ghoster, the aim is to make a quick exit from a relationship and leave the other person haunted by questions, wondering what went wrong, and struggling to pick up the pieces. You are left in limbo; neither sure if something has happened to your associate nor if ties have been severed at all.

Interestingly, you may wonder how our very own flesh and blood could ever ghost us. Remember those mythical tales about the Papa who went out for a pack of cigarettes and never returned? That was ghosting. The sibling who will not respond to DMs or emails, or answer the phone when you call, is ghosting you.

With jobs, it is just as widespread. Employees never show up to work and only static is audible at the end of the call when employers contact them for the reason why they left.

A study of 1,300 people, published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2018, found that around a quarter of the participants had been ghosted by a partner. And, apparently, ghosting can be a two-way street. One-fifth of the participants admitted that they had ghosted someone themselves.

The research also identified ghosting in friendships to be fairly normal, with 31.7% of survey respondents having ghosted a friend. Also, 38.6% had themselves been ghosted by a friend. In other words, a chain reaction that goes on to infinite. 

People respond to being ghosted in many ways, from feeling indifferent to deeply betrayed. Some believe that ghosting is inseparably intertwined with modern electronic communication, and the practice is a way to cope with the decision fatigue that can accompany dating. Others believe that ghosting is emotionally troubling given that it offers no sense of closure.

Why Do They Do It?

“Very often people ghost because they want to avoid having a confrontation and hurting the ghostee’s feelings,” Vinita Mehta, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and relationship expert explained. Five main reasons were cited as to why people ghost:

1.       Convenience

2.       Having had a negative interaction with a dating partner

3.       Loss of interest

4.       Change in the relationship state (for ex. a change in how close you are with the person)

5.       Personal or emotional safety

While it is logical that someone would consider ghosting if they felt their safety was at risk, the other reasons could sensibly be chalked up to lacking empathy or just not demonstrating care about the other party in the bond. However, that may not really be the case. For some, it is a matter of placing their own emotional needs first. 

How to Move on?

Being left in the lurch is confusing and devastating. You feel the long-term ramifications of hurt, and self-doubt creep up, and the spike in anxiety in the face of uncertainty and lack of closure is even more hurtful.

To heal from being ghosted, psychologists recommend the following:

·         Know that ghosting is essentially a sign of emotional immaturity.

·         Recognise that it is not you, it is them. Healthy relationships require healthy communication skills. Having had a ghosting episode means at least you avoided an extended relationship with someone who lacks the ability to properly communicate or does not particularly care about your feelings.

·         Remember: No one can make you feel low self-worth unless you allow it. While you cannot control someone else’s behavior, you can control your own reaction to it and take ownership of your own behavior. 

·         It is okay to grieve. In fact, it is natural to mourn a broken relationship. However, extended periods of raw feelings may not be warranted, especially if the time spent with the ghoster was not extended itself.

·         Practice further self-care: eat right, sleep right, stay physically active, and be with your loved ones.

·         Focus on the future. Be open to a better relationship with a person willing to do the hard work of staying.

What to Do Instead of Ghosting

Simply communicate straightforwardly and firmly with the next person. End the contact with a firm and direct statement that conveys you are not interested to see that person again. It can be short and sweet, like “Thank you for taking the time to meet. I just think we both want different things. So I hope everything works out well for you. Bye”.

It does not have to be so hard.