Being Too Nice: People Pleasing in a Psychological Lens

Sugar, spice, and everything nice. Haan mei haan milana. A Yes Man. The human doormat.

Do you struggle with saying "no" to requests or demands from family, friends, or colleagues?

Does fear overwhelm you when you consider disagreeing with others?

Do you often find yourself going out of your way to make others happy, often at the expense of your own needs and well-being?

People pleasing is not a medical diagnosis, or a personality trait that psychologists measure.

Instead, it is an informal label people generally employ to classify a range of behaviors.

To further clarify the term, pleasing people is different from being kind, generous, or altruistic. Where people can make a balanced and intentional choice to do favors for others, an individual with people-pleasing tendencies will find it difficult to say “no”.

People-pleasing is linked with a personality trait referred to as “sociotropy”, or feeling excessively concerned with pleasing others and earning and earning their approval as a way to maintain relationships (Tariq et al., 2021)

Signs of a People-Pleaser

•   Over-commitment to plans, responsibilities, or projects, even if they lack time.

•   No advocating for their own needs, such as by saying they are fine when they are not.

•   Avoid creating fiction by disagreeing with people or voicing their honest opinion.

•   Low self-esteem, and want others to approve of them.

•   Always apologizing to people.

•   Self-blame even when something isn’t their fault.

Root Causes

Poor self-esteem: 

By not valuing themselves, people-pleasers will experience low self-worth and a drop in confidence.

Insecurity: A fear that others won’t like them if they don’t go above and beyond for them.

Past experiences: Painful, traumatic, and difficult early experiences shape the way we view ourselves in adulthood. For example, people who have experienced abuse may try to please others and be as agreeable as possible in order to avoid triggering abusive behavior in others.

Perfectionism: Sometimes people desire things to be in a fixed way, “bas aisay hi rahay sab”,

including how other people think and feel.

Culture and socialization: The culture of a person’s family, community, or country may influence how they view their duty toward others and themselves.  For example, in a collectivist culture in Asia as Pakistan, India, etc, some may learn that total selflessness is a virtue or that the needs of the collective matter more than the individual.

Risks of People Pleasing

Stress: Frequently being overbooked, having a high workload, or a long to-do list can lead to burnout. 

Resentment:  People who feel they have no choice but to please others may grow to resent their role. This can manifest as passive aggression, i.e. expressing anger, via jokes or sarcasm.

Neglect: If a person has little time or energy for themselves, they may neglect aspects of their own self-care, ex. personal hygiene, appearance, mental or physical health, or career.

Loss of self-identity: One may lose sight of what he/she wants or how they feel.

Relationship problems: When a person is unhappy, it can affect their relationships. For example, a person may feel their partner takes advantage of their willingness to help, resulting in conflict, or engaging in harmful gossip to fit in.

On the bright side, there are strategies you can adopt to stop being a people-pleaser and learn how to balance your desire to make others happy without sacrificing your own.

How to Quit People Pleasing

Set clear boundaries: If it seems like someone is asking for too much, let them know that it's over the bounds of what you are willing to do and that you won't be able to help. For example, you might only take phone calls at certain times to set limits on when you are able to talk.

Start small: Start by saying no to smaller requests, try expressing your opinion about something small, or ask for something that you need. For example, try saying no to a text request. Then work your way up to telling people "no" in person.

Stall for Time: Saying "yes" right away can leave you feeling obligated and over-committed, but taking your time to respond to a request can give you the time to evaluate it and decide if it's something you really want to do. 

Remember relationships require give and take: A strong, healthy relationship involves a certain degree of reciprocity. If one person is always giving and the other is always taking, it often means that one person is forgoing things that they need to ensure that the other person has what they want.

Practice positive self-talk: If you start to feel overwhelmed or tempted to cave, build up your resolve with positive self-talk. Remind yourself that you deserve to have time for yourself. Your goals are important, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to give away your time and energy on things that don’t bring you joy. 

In conclusion, people-pleasing is a common phenomenon and is not a grave cause for concern in small amounts.

Just remind yourself that you can’t please everyone. And with the right combination of self-compassion, therapy, and healthy relationships, one can definitely overcome it.