Affirming Conformism in Children

There are families where roles and expectations are confused. Parents are overly dependent on children because children unknowingly play the roles of their parent’s parents. This particular family is so emotionally fused together in an unhealthy way that children become their surrogate spouses. There are inappropriate practices among the parents, like sharing personal information of their children. It puts the children in a state of confusion regarding their own roles.

The Impact of Enmeshment on a Toddler’s Development

Children develop a very close relationship with their parents and they gradually start losing their sense of self. Pleasing their parents becomes their sole motive in life and they consider themselves the reason for all the moods of their parents. Usually when parents mention things like “you make me happy when you behave nicely” or “you make me angry when you fight with your little sister”. The little ones start taking responsibility for their parent’s emotions rather than their own. They only feel happy when they get approval from their parents. And, they grow up with the same dependency even after reaching adulthood. They feel bad when they are spending time alone. They get trapped in the cycle of shame and guilt when they do not take care of their parents.

Enmeshment ruins Companionship

We have so many examples around us about such people, maybe you can relate to it too. Such people are not comfortable spending time with their spouses for long and they feel it a betrayal with their parents.

They are so enmeshed with the needs of their parents that they consider it a sin to not share the tiniest details of their personal life with their parents. They remain in this state of confusion throughout their life. It is hard for them to decide whether they are doing the right thing when focusing on their career and needs or will it be of no use if they will not give lots of time to their parents.

Interestingly, they are even in the search of a spouse who can look after their parents. Otherwise, they would not feel any connection with their spouses and gradually ruin so many lives, including the lives of their own kids.

The Collective Impact of Enmeshment

Such families with enmeshment issues suffer from low self-esteem. They not only hate boundaries but also are unable to have any sense of who they actually are. They have been programmed not to use their minds and rely on conformism. Whether it is about eating, shopping, making friends, choosing spouses or careers, such people are chained in such a way that even if they are allowed to make their decision they start panicking and stay in a child state throughout their life.

The Male Story

Usually, males within enmeshed family systems are conditioned that their fathers are cruel creatures and they have to safeguard their mothers. Being a child they feel so helpless and weak that they are unable to ease their mother’s pain. In the abyss of all this mess, they start feeling like a husband of their own mothers. It pushes them in a confusing position which disturbs them till their last breath.

They start betraying their own needs in order to receive the love of their mother because they have a constant fear of abandonment.

The Female Story

The same phenomenon occurs with females who belong to such a family system. Even after getting married, she keeps calling her parents before making any decision in her marital life. She has lots of self-doubts and trust issues which she has inculcated in her personality while growing up. She won’t enjoy any time with her spouse and still depends on her parents, even for the upbringing of her kids.

That is how enmeshment snatches away the natural rights of human beings from them.

The Antidote

One can get rid of it by defining, enacting, and maintaining boundaries, by getting connected with one’s own inner self, by not judging oneself all the time, by not staying in the painful space of guilt, by not oversharing with one’s parents and by getting support from psychiatrists, psychologists, or psychotherapists.