Divorce: A Tragedy Awakening or a Blessing in Disguise?

This word has reverberated in my life for the past few years. What was considered a taboo that occurred on occasion became a frequent occurrence within my family and friends’ families. Many celebrities with ‘ideal love lives’ covered the headlines with articles about their divorces with messy financial settlements. How did divorce become so frequent? When did the term, “Marriage is a gamble” become more than an expression?

In the generation of our grandparents and before them, marriage in Pakistani culture was treated like a Catholic marriage; divorce was unacceptable. Hence no matter the intellectual, cultural or emotional differences, whether there was verbal or physical abuse involved, couples married “till death do us part”. However, something changed along the way.

With every following generation, we learnt what our rights and duties were as spouses in a marriage, how important compatibility and self-respect meant, what we are expected to adjust to and where we should take a stand for our place in the household. Yet, even with this self-realization, marriage rates still roll down a slippery hill.

I’m not just talking about divorces following physical abuse, although those have happened a lot, most commonly due to the husband’s sense of entitlement and ‘right’ to hit his wife when he doesn’t get his way. I’m talking about divorces where there is no overt abuse; there is simply either a loss of compatibility, tolerance and empathy to make way to understand and accommodate your partner’s needs when they differ from yours because it challenges your sense of self or to state it bluntly; ego.

I would like to clarify that I’m neither married nor divorced, but I have experienced the lasting impact of the beginning and ending of marriages within my family to the extent that the topic of marriage doesn’t bring excitement to me but fear instead. I’ve witnessed both love and arranged marriages crumble before my eyes and while I haven’t directly experienced hopes and expectations crashing down like they did, divorces affect families as well. The realization of those months of preparation, dresses, mehndis, finances, etc., feel meaningless when the true purpose of the wedding failed.

When I think about getting married, it will solely be because that man will be completely worth it, yet I’d just want a simple Nikkah and only after spending at least a year with him would I consider celebrating the marriage because I would actually enjoy it from experience instead of being afraid. Yes, you may judge my eccentric perspective as many others have, but like I said; divorce affects the families.

What I’ve noticed is that people have lost tolerance to listen and accept each other’s point of views; there is more than one way to do something and maybe, just maybe, your partner could be right. People have forgotten to do something for their partner out of love just to make them happy. You can be completely justified in what you’re doing, but you can either focus on standing up for yourself and your needs, or you can calm your ego and listen to your partner. However, did love become conditional……?  

There was an incident in India; a father welcomed his recently separated daughter home with festivities equivalent to a Barat. Odd, isn’t it? How does one celebrate such a traumatic experience? Yet it makes complete sense! Yes, when you plan for two people to join together in marriage, you don’t expect dissolution and so soon, especially for your loved ones. However, a marriage only ends when the couple isn’t happy, when despite trying everything or by lack of trying, the life they envisioned together turns out to be as torturous as suffering in prison; in place or mind. Islam has allowed for divorce for this reason; to provide a path to part ways peacefully when the marriage doesn’t work. Therefore, the father celebrated the daughter breaking away from a toxic lifelong commitment and choosing her own happiness. In my family, we simply told those who were deciding between commitment and divorce that whatever they decided, we’d support and protect them.

Divorce is an unfortunate tragedy, but we plan to the best of our knowledge yet it can still occur. However, it’s important to know where you should remember to put in the 80% in the relationship, and where you should recognize and not take up abuse. This life is short and you should not be bound by societal expectations.